About Heidi Namken

I thought to myself, how is that even possible to feel so very empty inside? I’ve been trying to live the life that others have said would fulfill me. Society said, get married, you have to have a partner. If you don’t have a partner you are less than. The church said, you have to stay married, you pledged your life to this person. You are not worthy if you don’t stay married, you said “until death”. My husband and I bought a house, surely that would fulfill me. My husband believed that by constantly working on improving the house he was providing. We were in a constant state of pounding nails and painting walls. Have children society said. You have to live the perfect life. So, we had children. When each of my children were born, I totally understood what it mean to have my heart outside my body. I’d never experienced such a feeling. Improve your life, society said, move into a bigger house, and show others how happy you are. So, we moved into a larger house.

When I was 28 years old, I was miserable and so unhappy. I kept trying to live outside of myself, ignore what I felt inside, ignore the nudge that said, this life you are living doesn’t align with who you truly are.

Oh, I fought hard not living my true authentic self. I was aware of something more, this metaphysical life I currently live, but I wanted to deny it. It didn’t align with everyone else that was around me. I didn’t feel like I had the strength, and so much of the time I felt overwhelmed.

During all this time, I read books like Why Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S. Kushner, I read my bible often, and underlined passages that I felt could help me. I tried to be as perfect as possible. That perfection was dictated by others, and my perception of what perfect was. I felt that if I was perfect God would bestow upon me happiness. My belief at that time was if I was perfect, life would be everything I’d dreamt it to be.

It’s amazing to me now that I look back of how empty I was and I didn’t even realize it. Well, let me reassess that, I KNEW I was empty, I just kept trying to fill it in ways that didn’t work because the nudge and insight I was receiving was a bit out of my comfort zone so I kept trying to avoid it.

When I was 29, the nudge was getting stronger. I remember my husband saying, life doesn’t get any better than this. When I heard that, I thought, I’d rather be dead than continue to live this way.

I had bought into the idea that if everyone else thought my life was perfect that somehow it would be. I projected to everyone, family, friends and strangers that I am a happily married woman, with a son and daughter and a beautiful home. We go on trips, we look so happy together. We have everything right?

Behind closed doors there were fights, emotional abuse and sometimes a hit. If only I could be what others wanted me to be. If only I wouldn’t make others uncomfortable. Why couldn’t I just be happy with the way things are?

During all of this time, I got further and further away from my authentic self, my connection with Spirit/the Divine. Oh, I THOUGHT I was close to God, I thought by going to church weekly, reading the bible, praying a lot, that somehow that would do it. God at that time in my life was a male, on a huge throne, deciding whether he liked or disliked me and would maybe bestow upon me a little bit of happiness if HE decided I deserved it. At times I hated this God. I questioned why was I here if all I was supposed to be useful for was to have babies and that was it. Why, if females were so hated and were so threatening, why were they even allowed to exist? Eve was blamed for us not living in Eden anymore. Women were always being blamed for one reason or another in the bible. Even in my family of origin, females were down a notch or two because we weren’t able to carry on the family name.

Some steps that happened to find my Spirit again, to spark the ember that almost went completely out, the catalyst to move towards where I am at today was I met a man (actually an angel I believe) on a business trip. We had great conversation, he listened to my ideas, I was HEARD and encouraged.. There wasn’t anything sexual, it was simply one person encouraging another. I was so excited about what was discussed that I wanted to share this excitement with my husband, but knew he would jump to the conclusion it was sexual and that would be that. So I kept it to myself. But there was something about that chance meeting that ignited the flame a bit more. Something about it that said, pay attention, there are other steps along the way to help you fill yourself back up.

I really struggled with the “death do us part”, because I stood in front of God and pledged my word. Another chance meeting at a workshop I was attending. Sitting at a ten person table, the woman (another angel worker) that sat to the right of me was another catalyst. In our conversation, she brought up something about divorce and in the bible where it shows that divorce is accepted. She even had photocopies of an article about it. I couldn’t continue to ignore these “signs”. They continued to become stronger.

There came a time that I finally went to the minister at my church. I believed I needed to get permission. In talking with him, he stated something to the effect, “I don’t encourage divorce but I also don’t believe in living in hell”. I thought, if this isn’t hell I don’t know what it is. I left the church that day feeling a bit better about the steps I was needing to take.

My next step was to go to the cemetery and visit my paternal grandmother. I needed, for some reason, to get her blessing. When I was out there at the gravesite, I felt her near me. I felt the love she had for me and I felt the message, go, do what you need to, I will always love you.

All this time, I was continuing to be empty, so empty in my soul, going through the steps of existing.

When I finally made the step to leave my husband, I literally felt the hand of God on the middle of my back pushing me. It was a gentle firm push, but it was undeniable that I was continue to move forward.

I was working at a counseling office at the time and couldn’t go to the other counseling office in town due to some sort of rule, so I would drive from Watertown to Brookings to see my therapist. There was this moment, when I was driving back to Watertown after a session that I literally felt my Spirit gain strength.  I sensed my Spirit was like “Mighty Mouse” coming to save the day. I “saw” the mighty mouse image swooping up from the bottom of my being and expanding in strength. It was then that I realized how empty I had become and how thankful I was to have made the steps that I had.

Little did I know at that time where my journey would take me. In hindsight, which of course is the easiest way to see a situation, I now understand that not living my authentic self, and by living outside of who I am, caused so much disconnect, so much pain and hurt. It was only when I surrendered to my higher self, to my God source, did I truly begin to feel full, to feel like I am here for a purpose.

Am I thankful for being married? You bet I am! My ex-husband was a great teacher for me. He taught me so much and I learned even more about myself. Am I thankful for almost completely dying inside? Yes I am. You may ask, WHAT?? Well, it’s because I was  so empty do I better understand the need to connect with my highest self, to connect in with the Universe, to fill my Spirit and my Soul with the light of love. It is because of what I went through I am who I am today, I go through life challenges with a different viewpoint. I have less of a tendency to avoid and more of a tendency to acknowledge my discomfort. Realizing that I get to decide how I feel in any given situation, I get to decide what I want more of or less of in my life.

I am so thankful for the “angels” that were put in my path to help me. I am so thankful to this day for all the earth angels that have come into my life. For all of the signs, situations, challenges, ease of joy that I have experienced to date. Each and every one has come from a place of love, love for me and love for my human experience. Because, in the end, it is all love!