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Heidi’s Happiness

Maybe happiness is this: not feeling like you should be elsewhere,
doing something else, being someone else.
Isaac Asimov

I wrote the below in 2013, and it recently popped up in my Facebook page from having posted it a year ago. I believe there are many, many people that can identify with this story. It is lengthy, but worth the read. 

I share this story with you in the hope that any or all of it can be of service and light for you. This was written by me in 2013. It is a bit long but WORTH the read.

I am walking down a path. The path’s width is wide enough for one person, it is made up of dirt and pebbles and is worn down by many, many people walking on it before me. Along the sides of the path are flowers and trees. I’m in a somewhat forest but yet if I look down the path I can see for a long ways, sometimes the path disappears and reappears as it winds here and there.

I can smell the fragrance of the flowers and the pine trees around me. I hear the birds chirping and the owls and other animals calling out.

I am barefoot and can feel the roughness of the path under my feet.

I am wearing a back pack and it is full of pebbles, rocks and a few boulders. It is heavy but I can carry it and have faith that I will be okay carrying it. I continue to walk along the path.

There are openings here and there along the path where there are park benches to rest. Sometimes I stop and take the back pack off and sit awhile. It feels good to not have it on me and I’m amazed how much lighter I feel when I am not wearing it.

Sometimes when I get up from resting I THINK about removing some of the rocks and boulders from the back pack but then I decide I cannot do this. What will people think if I leave some of these things that I carry so close to me?

As I continue along the path, the sun is shining and I feel its warmth. I imagine a day where I can truly feel the sun and warmth surrounding my entire being, not just my face. I want to feel that warmth in my entire being. I just don’t know how to make that happen.

There is a clearing and I see all these rocks. They are not my rocks, they are other people’s rocks that have been left behind.

Some of them have names on them that identify what they represent. Some of them say “fear”, “unlovable”, “hate”, “pissed off”, “irritation” “stupid”. I KNOW what they say but some of them are so pretty I cannot help but pick them up and put them in my back pack.

The back pack continues to get heavier as I continue to pick up the rocks and boulders, I even sometimes pick up a pebble here and there because, hey, how much does a pebble weigh and I can handle it, I can carry all of it. I’m strong, I believe in God and God wouldn’t lead me down the wrong path right?

Now, I get to a clearing and there is a bench, that has comfy cushions to it. There is someone also sitting there. I do not recognize who this is but they look fairly trustworthy so I sit down next to them.

I do not want to talk to them though and they are quiet also. I watch them, as I like to observe behavior of others. While they are sitting there I watch them with their own back pack. Their back pack is really worn and tattered. They look old and weary.

As I sit there observing, I’m watching them begin to unpack their bag. I’m watching them take a rock out, hold it dear to themselves and then say good-bye to it and they set it down on the other stacks of rocks left by others.

I watch this person continue to do this for a couple of hours. I cannot believe how many rocks and boulders they are pulling out of their bag, it seems endless.

Now, I look at them again, really look at them and I swear, they have gotten younger while sitting there. They do not look downtrodden, they do not look beat up anymore, if anything they look like they are ten years younger.

How can that be? How can I have sat here, watching them all this time and they transformed all by unpacking their back pack?

I try to talk to this person, but it’s almost as if they do not hear me. I wonder, am I not ready to hear what they have to say or are they truly ignoring me?

I watch them pick up their bag and put it on their back. It appears to be almost empty. They continue on their path and I swear I see a glow around them, a glow I never noticed before.

I WANT TO GLOW LIKE THAT!

So, I think, well, if they can unpack their bag maybe I can too.

I pick up a rock out of my bag and I look at it. It says fear on it. I hold it, I look at it, I ponder, what would it mean to put this in the pile that has been left by others? I’m not ready, I put it back in my bag.

I’ve rested long enough. It’s time to continue on. I heft my bag on my back and it is painful but I do not know what else to do but carry it with me. I cannot let all these pretty rocks behind I feel a responsibility to carry them with me. I would feel guilty if I left any of them behind. Besides, some of these rocks are not mine, I am carrying them for others and how would they feel if I left them behind?

The path at times is muddy. My feet are covered in mud, there is so much gunk that is being dropped by others. Sometimes I wonder if people ahead of me are truly letting these things go or have they overloaded themselves so much the gunk is just dropping off them because they aren’t able to carry it.

Where I can, I pick up some of the gunk to help those that aren’t able to carry it all.

Oh my, I am out of breath and the burden is so heavy that I am carrying that I’m not sure I can make it much farther. My health is starting to go, I can tell because I find myself going to the doctor more and also pulling away from friends and society in general. I crawl in bed and sleep a lot. I have no energy.

Every time I wake up though, there is my back pack ready for me to carry.

I am attached to this back pack after all these years. I start wondering though, can I ever live without it?

Sometimes I start to pull out all the pebbles, rocks and boulders I carry in it and I get overwhelmed.

I keep thinking though, is there another way? Is there another path I could be going down that would be better?

It may not be simpler but the path I’m on is so difficult that I’m preparing myself to go down a better one as soon as I can gather the strength to do so.

There is one day I wake up, ready to face the day and it was like an “ah ha” moment. WHAT IF, I leave one rock a day on the side of the path? I may not be able to unload my back pack all at once like the individual I saw not that long ago but I bet, if I can leave a rock a day or even a week the weight of it all will lighten and maybe, just maybe, my life can become better. That I too can have that GLOWOF LIGHT eventually one day.

Sometime during the day, I choose a rock. With gratitude, I say to the rock, thank you for being there for me, for serving a purpose, but I no longer need you, I appreciate all that you have provided and I say good-bye. I gently put it down along the ground.

I notice, for the first time, there are other rocks along the way that others have left. They are glowing, I can tell, they are shining because they have been given gratitude for their purpose. Some of the words on the rocks are; death, grief, sadness, depression, illness.

I wonder, how can one have gratitude towards any of these “negative” life emotions and challenges?

As I walk along this beautifully lit pathway I come upon another clearing, another resting point. There is an individual there that has a white glowing essence. I sit next to them. They smile at me and say, “welcome”.

I feel much more peaceful and I want to ask questions. It’s as if they can sense this and say to me, go ahead, ask questions, I am here to answer to the best of my ability.

I ask, how can one have gratitude for all the negative things in one’s life? The grief and loss of a loved one, the sadness of what could have been?

“My child, if you never experience sadness how do you understand joy?” “If you do not experience grief and loss how do you learn to appreciate what you have right now?” It is by having gratitude to experience all that life has to offer is where you will truly understand what love and peace is all about.

I want to ask more questions and yet, I do not seem to have any in my head at the moment. I hear what is being said, it resonates in me. I “get it”. I understand that when I have gratitude for all that is, that I can then truly be in the moment, that I can truly come from a place of love and peace.

My ego chimes in though, look at others, see how they react, see how angry and fearful they are? You cannot live without fear and anger. You HAVE to live with it. You cannot leave it behind.

That day, I look in my backpack and look through all the rocks, boulders and pebbles, and I pick out all of them that have fear written on them and I put them on the side of the road. I have enough pebbles that I can actually arrange them in a fashion to make an outline of a heart. I choose to not live in fear.

I notice that on this day, my back pack is getting lighter. It is not near as heavy as it has been.

The pathway is taking a turn and as I take this turn, I notice that things are getting greener, more lush, there are more flowers, there are more animals singing and expressing themselves. It is such a loving place. I like this feeling that I have inside. It is from a place of love.

I hear a waterfall and I walk towards it. There is a pool to walk into if I so choose. The water is clear and I can see the bottom. It is refreshing to feel the mist as my journey has been a hard and arduous one. I feel tired and dirty. I slough off my back pack and walk into the clear healing water.

My breath is taken away, the healing that is happening within myself is overwhelming and I cry, I cry for the grief I carry with me, the sadness, I am letting go of all that does not serve me.

There is a light that is glowing around me. I look at it, as if it is alien to me. I can see my reflection in the water and as I look at myself, I do not understand immediately what I am seeing. There is this glow, this light that is coming from within me and expanding outward. I watch as it ebbs and flows through and around me.

Tears of JOY coming from my eyes and an overall release of toxins from my body allow me to truly feel, deep within my bones JOY. I’ve never felt this before. It is a feeling I want to live in.

After playing and laying in the water and the overwhelming feelings subside and calm down I am ready to walk out of the waterfall pool. I feel at peace.

I see the worn and tattered back pack, still heavy with the rocks and boulders that I carry.

I sit by the side of the pool and I begin to unpack my back. I remember, way back on my path the individual unpacking their bag. I am in awe that I am at this point in my path but I am thankful also. I take a rock out, kiss it, give gratitude and I start my own pile of rocks and boulders. With each rock/boulder that I remove, I notice my back pack becoming almost like new. Those places where it was torn and tattered are being repaired right before my eyes.

I am on a roll now and I am ready to let go of those rocks and boulders that I have carried for others. I realize now, they are carrying the identical rocks and boulders themselves. I wonder, why am I carrying them too? I’m doing no good for them and I surely am not helping myself by trying to carry their burden also. It is THEIR journey to figure out how much they want to carry. I no longer need to feel guilty about their burdens.

I empty my back pack of all that I feel comfortable unpacking. I’m not ready to let go of all of it. I need time to heal those areas I’ve just let go of. I need to fill the areas that I’ve removed with healing white energy, with love and peace. It will take time for me to do this.

I hoist my now lighter back pack on my back and continue along the path. I am feeling lighter, and I can actually look up into the sky when I’m carrying the back pack. You see, I had been carrying so much on my back and in my hands that I could not look up, I could not appreciate all that was. I couldn’t see the sky, I couldn’t truly feel all of the sun on my face, on my being. I can truly look up, see the fluffy white clouds, the sun warm upon my being, and the joy that is there for the taking and experiencing.

The pathway I am on now is almost psychedelic to my eyes. The pinks are pinker, the purples are purplier, the reds are redder. I love it. I want to continue on this path. I want to continue to learn, I want live in this place. I will do whatever it takes to continue along this path. I will face the fears that will bubble up, I will hear my ego but I can and will choose a path that is for my higher good.

This pathway will not always be easy, sometimes it will be very difficult, but I will remember this feeling, this feeling of joy, love, peace and light.

I can tell, it’s time, it’s time to share this path with others, those that are on their own path, I get to be one of those that is sitting along their pathway and share my light, share my aura and by sharing my aura I can give them hope, hope for a better day, hope for a day of peace and light, a place of living in love. Now, in July of 2016 – I am glowing, I am ready, I am sharing. I am not perfect, I do not have all the answers, but I KNOW in my inner most being I am ready. This still resonates with me in July of 2017!

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